As I grew, so did my writing. I didn't write silly stories anymore and my poems were often more angst ridden. By my teenage years, I was labeled in so many ways- quiet, quirky, serious. But more than anything, I was known as the writer.
Writing has always been what I turn to when life gets to be too much to bear. I feel things deeply and take on the world's heartache and sorrow as if it were my own. I think too much. I worry. Often the only way I can survive such intense emotions is to write about them. It's how I process things that are new or scary, things I don't understand. It's how I heal from pain and how I learn to forgive myself and others.
Writing helps me to appreciate life. It helps me to stop and really see all the good and beautiful things that make up my days. It's helped me grow in my faith, in my marriage, in my motherhood. It's transformed me in ways too numerous to count.
For several years, I wrote publicly at Life Happens When. I shared anecdotes, successes (and failures), and lessons learned. I encouraged others (and myself) to embrace this crazy life and make the most of each day.
I shared a lot about myself and my family. I began to worry that some of the stories I told were not mine to tell. Where should the line be drawn? So much of my writing revolved around my children and my husband because that's who I spent the most time with. They were the people I learned the most from.
I really wrestled with how to be authentic and transparent but still protect my family's privacy.
In addition to my reservations about what to share, I desperately sought the approval of others. I thought my writing was only worthy if it got enough attention, enough likes. I envied other "writers" with thousands of followers and despised those who'd landed paying writing gigs. I believed my writing wasn't good enough and that I was wasting my time. Both my pride and ego got in the way.
I also had a growing family with a growing laundry list of needs (as well as piles and piles of actual laundry). The only time I could find to write was late into the night when the house was finally quiet. Writing, while good for my soul, was no good for anyone when I snapped grouchily at my children due to lack of sleep.
I said good-bye to Life Happens When three years ago for all the reasons above. It was the right decision at the time. I had three kids 5 and under. I had a lot on my plate and I really didn't need or want the pressure of writing.
In the time that's passed, life has certainly happened. I've had so many defining moments over the last few years. I've grown and changed in countless ways. We had another baby who's added so much love and light to our home. We suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dad which propelled me into the most lonesome darkness I've ever known. I've laughed and cried and grieved. I've lost my faith in God, in myself, and in humanity and I'm slowly finding it again. I've experienced the greatest joys and the most heart rendering sorrows. I've experienced a multitude of both trying and wondrous moments. My two oldest children are now in elementary school and I'm back to having a preschooler and toddler in the house. Life is as crazy and chaotic as ever. Yet, I'm feeling a similar tug at my heart as I felt so long ago when I started Life Happens When.
In the mundane moments of changing a diaper or loading the dishwasher, I feel it. In the loneliness and darkness of night, I feel it. When I sit down on the couch after the kids are tucked in and laugh or smile or cry at the day's triumphs and disasters. When worry or fear or sadness creep over me. As I'm drifting to sleep or driving down the road or washing my hair, words swirl around within me, beg to be set free. My soul stirs. My fingers ache.
I want to heal what needs healing inside of me. I want to appreciate all the good and beautiful things that make up my wonderful mess of a life. I want to nourish my spirit and tend to my heart. I want to be as authentic as possible (yet fiercely protect my children's privacy). I want to share anecdotes and failures and lessons learned to support and encourage others.
After waffling back and forth for years, I'm ready to start anew.
While the spirit of Life Happens When remains, the site itself isn't as flashy or professional as it once was. I hope this time I'll remember that I'm writing most of all to take care of myself. Accolades and attention are nice, but they are not what's important. I'm so excited to take this leap (again) and to share it with each of you.
Is there something that's tugging at your own heart? Stirring your soul? Making you ache from within? What are you being led to do? And what's stopping you from doing it?
My greatest roadblock has been fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of judgement. Fear of failure. They are all real and valid fears, but we can't live in fear. If we let fear overcome us, we'll never do anything worthwhile.
What is it that's going to heal what's hurting inside of you? Help you appreciate what's good and beautiful about your life? Help you nourish your spirit and tend to your heart?
What is it that you're meant to do, right now, in this moment?
It could be anything big or small. Doing what you're meant to do can sometimes simply be exercising more, worrying less, getting outside, taking more pictures (or less), volunteering, reading a good book, going to bed earlier, finding a new hobby, asking for help, saying no to things that don't bring you joy.
Of course, it could go deeper than that. Do you need a change of scenery or career? Are you being called to get involved in a cause close to your heart? Does something need to change within your family? Do you need to stand up for yourself? Carve a new path? Forgive someone? Do you need to eliminate people or things from your life? Do you need to open your heart to new experiences?
Maybe you already know what it is that you need or want to do. Maybe you're still trying to figure it out. But when it comes to your heart, do it. Make a plan. Carve out the time. Set realistic expectations. Ask for support if you need it. Make it a priority.
Don't worry about attention or accolades or money or success. Don't let your pride or ego get in the way. Don't worry about rejection or judgement or failure. Do it to nourish yourself and make yourself a better you. Do it because you know it's good for your mind, body, and spirit. Do it because it will transform you and help you appreciate the big and little moments that make up your life. Do it because you know deep down in the depths of your soul that you're supposed to.
Life happens when we do what we're meant to do!
